Living on the Edge

“You make cancer fun” my friend exclaimed as we planned some girl’s night out dance events. Before I was stricken with cancer I hardly ever had time for friends. I was too busy working. I would ride motorcycles and work out but seldom could anyone hang with me unless they came on my terms and it was “productive” time. I did my best to schedule social time around my demanding workload. People were welcome to come visit me at Cafe India before and after I taught yoga classes there but I never went to parties or did much outside of my packed work schedule. Now, I socialize a lot, have gone dancing, and thrown parties. I dress up and get tons of down time.

SEX

On some level cancer can be a catalyst for being sexy ! How it worked for me was unplanned yet embraced. I used to wear my long hair back, and loose baggy clothes most of the time because it was most comfortable for working and I was working most of the time. I couldn’t adorn much if any jewelry as it was always in the way when I did massage or taught yoga. I was in great shape but could look rather sloppy versus sexy. The effects of cancer, and radiation and chemo were draining and the damage was not pretty so it was surprising to find myself being perceived as a sex symbol. It wasn’t the new clothes, wigs, or jewelry. I think it was the shift in attitude.

“You’ve gone from being celibate to being a sex goddess” was a comment I got from another friend. It’s not about “sex” but rather flirting, and just being open to connecting in a playful way. Being a middle-aged woman, it is healing for me to feel attractive when I felt such loss over almost all my independence, focus, and choices. To feel desirable and worthy of attention (compliments, flirting, and being asked out on dates, etc.) was amazing and unbelievable to me.

For awhile I was too skinny (hovering just above 100 pounds) and at this writing I’m a bit overweight (at 145 bls.). I’m totally out of shape compared to my former life. I miss my flat belly and muscular arms and legs. My hair fell out and I was bald for awhile. I have a port-a-cath device in my chest that sticks out, often with a rash around it. I was shocked when anyone would find me attractive.

I imagine that a more candid, surrendering, and very outspoken me with the cliché perspective “life is too short” might be charismatic at times. People say they admire my courage and yet I just see myself as having done a slight adjustment in order to cope.

I don’t believe I am any more courageous then I was before with the exception that I speak up better and risk judgment and rejection. I take more time for myself and others as well. I feel blessed by my friends/students/clients/healers.

I often still battle moods, pain, and the inability to do some of the things that I miss so much (riding my Indian motorcycle, working out more vigorously, being more functional overall, etc.). I’ve received great insights and direction from my mentor and cancer support group leader, Chuck. He should get an honorary Ph.D. for his service and capacity to inspire others.

With the support and encouragement of my friends (including Chuck) I considered romance and decided to relish in it’s resplendedness. I see being sexy as an aspect of being a goddess..and I don’t mind being treated this way !

DRUGS

I used to be so pure. I NEVER took ANY drugs, not even an aspirin. I tried to keep sugar in my diet as low as possible. I didn’t drink or smoke. It was a mind-blowing thing to contemplate doing chemo, essentially a poison, when I was used to no impurities in my body. Having chemo for me is like being an organic garden that is dying and so now as a last ditch effort we’re throwing powerful pesticides in it.

Believe me there are no pleasant side effects of chime. However I will confess I have learned to use a certain herb (that in my educated opinion should be legal across the board) as it is the ONLY thing effective in relieving nausea and some pain.

After radiation, a surgeon told me I needed a colostomy bag. He said that the main tumor in my rectum was too big still and he didn’t think he could avoid the bag. I cried for a second then collected myself and asked a bunch of questions.

The surgery would not cure me. It would only remove one mass out of many I had. I was functioning (having bowel movements) therefore why have the surgery ? IF I got worse I could always have it later. Maybe I ward off surgery long enough that a cure will be available.

The surgeon told me that if I didn’t get the surgery I would die with in months ut if I got the surgery I’d probably live five years or so if I was lucky.Quality of life is more important to me then quantity of life.

All the cancerous masses had shrunk some. I received radiation in my pelvis only yet masses in my liver and lungs had become a little smaller which means the chemo I received must have done that. Therefore I declined surgery and opted to go for more chime. I’ve been on/off chemo ever since. I also now include some dark chocolate as well as pizza in my diet !

ROCK N ROLL

Music, singing, dancing are all very therapeutic. In the spirit of “rock n roll” I sing in the shower a lot, in my car, and at home when no one else is around I blast the stereo and belt out songs pretending I’m Janis Joplin, one of the BlackEyedPeas, and of course Elvis to name a few. I dance to loud music and when I feel too weak to dance visualize I’m dancing and or riding my motorcycle with a crazy cool cat such as Cat Stevens.

I don boots and go to clubs sometimes. Sometimes I just never manage to get out of my pajamas as I slink around the house looking for a drum or flute to play with. Every culture has music. It can take us into a trance where we forget we are anything less then a rockstar.

IN CONCLUSION

It is important to discover and do the things you can do especially when the things you love and long to do might not be available. Passion can be found in feeling connected to others, feeling sexy, sharing a good sense of humor, writing, singing, art, and or other soul making endeavors (such as a road trip). I ride motorcycles smaller then my Indian when I can. I am open to thriving versus just surviving. This post is my confession but maybe could be your prescription too ?

For more info about me, to read my blogs, etc. here is a brief list below to explore:

http://k-leescancer.blogspot.com ( a blog integrating the biker lifestyle, my adventures and perspectives on motorcycling, cancer, yoga life, and more) .

www.YogaWell.com (my website about my work as a Yoga Teacher Training and the Complementary Holistic Clinic and Yoga School I have in San Diego. It is filled with great practitioners that I am so very lucky to work with; besides life coaches, there is a Hypnotherapist, Sound Healer, Massage Therapists, Astrologer, Tarot Reader, Shamanic EnergyWorker, Tai Chi, Yoga Therapists, and more).

www.MySpace.com/Who_Chi_Mama (page with info about the wonderful Chi Machine and Far Infra-red device that has helped me so much).

www.MySpace.com/BikerYogaLady (here you can view a slideshow of Biker Yoga).